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One of the Kids Scorned members posted this problem in the Forum and here are a few of the answers other Members gave him. You will find a lot of help and support in your Forum. Make sure you use it.

Hi everyone, I am 15 and recently my mum found out my dad was cheating on her. She told me and now I am devastated because he’s my idol. We’re always going to football together and do lots of father/son things. Right now I just see him as an idiot and I am finding it hard to get my head round it all. I’m not meant to know and I’m too frightened to confront him incase it destroys our relationship. My mum’s not going to leave him, so she said. What shall I do?


I am really sorry that this happened to you; it's something that also happened to me last year.

If you can possibly get everyone to agree, family therapy would be really, really helpful. If your parents won't do that then insist on therapy for yourself. A lot of schools can provide a counsellor to speak with you in total confidence. You're going to need someone uninvolved to talk with.

Your mom never should have "confided" in you about your dad's affair. That was just wrong.

If you’re that close to your father then tell him calmly what you know and that there's no point in him lying about it. Allow him a chance to explain this to you. Don't judge him and don't think he's a bad person. Things happen in life that are unpleasant but don't let this snowball into a complete hatred for the man you obviously love. Many married people have affairs because they are unhappy for whatever reason, but feel that a divorce would be too harmful to the children of the marriage. I don't agree with this, but each person must deal with their own issues in their own ways. Your dad's way was to find someone who gave him something that was lacking in the marriage.


I am very sorry that you’re going through this experience. It must feel terrible.

It is possible to express negative feelings, even hurt, pain and anger, without destroying your relationship with your dad. The key is to describe your feelings in words without acting out the feelings by yelling, making insults, storming out, expressing judgment towards him, etc. First, you must mentally prepare for the conversation. You must approach him without anger and judgment. A good way to do this is to focus on your pain, rather than your anger. Your anger is part of what you need to tell him and you certainly should express it. Do not say something like this: "Dad, how could you... how could you do this to mom? What will happen to us now? You selfish b*****d!!" This’ll show him you’re judging him and he might respond with anger in his defence.

Try something like this instead: “Dad, I need to speak with you privately. I have heard about and I need to tell you how I feel after getting the news.” Then tell him calmly how you feel, then stop and let him answer. Stopping fairly soon to hear from him sends the message that you are not simply dumping on him--you want a discussion.

So you’ve been respectful and only talked about how you feel, not about him. Remember that he is is still the man you love. Yes, you have just seen a side of him that you do not like. But people can be two things at once and the man that you love is still in there. Good luck and best wishes. I am so sorry that you have been thrown into this position.

Hi,

I feel your pain. I am a daddy's girl and when my parents broke up when I was 13 and I found out what he’d done from relatives who also took out on me how they felt about his behaviour. I also feel bad about my father and it was a mixed bag of feelings which for ages after I convinced myself was pure hatred. But it wasn't. Despite who he is and what he’s done, I did love him. He’s always been a good father to me and made me feel loved. That matters. I shouldn't have forgotten that. Be honest with yourself, with your feelings. You’re entitled to feel how you feel regardless of other people's opinion. Acknowledge that and start from there.

My father, although wise in some ways, is very immature and selfish in his personal relationships. I had to heal myself and try not to let his mistakes ruin my view about all men because it did for a while. I wish you well and let me know if you need any further support. I'm willing to do however I can to help.

I understand how you must feel, but you've only heard half the story. I think the best thing you can do is listen to your father's side of the story.

I doubt there will be a reason why he did what he did that you find satisfactory, but I hope that you will begin to understand his actions and him as a person more. I guess your relationship will change from one of hero worship to one where you understand he’s a man with faults but still the dad you love. It may be a painful experience to lose him as a hero, but I think seeing him as an ordinary man will be a sign that you've grown from it all. Soemthing good I suppose from something bad :)